pulling these thoughts out

I feel like right now I need try and organize all the thoughts that are swarming around in my head. Bear with me, I've thought a lot about this stuff the last few days and figured I would throw it all out on here and try to get some sort of plan going...

I haven't worked out since last Thursday, so wow...I just realized it's a week today. Damnit. First order of business--get some kind of work out in. Even if it's taking a walk with my lil Bean today. I could do a 3 miler we used to do last year. I have a baby shower tonight, errands to get done before that and cleaning on my to-do list tonight. Back to the workout thing, I was doing the Jackie dvd and although I do like the workout itself, and I do like the results, I am bored with it. I've done it 3x a week for quite a while now and need a new something for a bit. Maybe hitting the gym again, but man, that's getting tough since softball has started-both girls on different teams and Jay coaching Ali's team....Being a mom of 3, you have to get creative with working out. I will shoot for the long walk this afternoon. Maybe I'll add some running bits in, too. Hmmm.

My eating has not been so great. I somehow got into the mind set that the girl's spring break was party time for mama and slipped a lil off plan. Which one slip up lead to another...etc etc.....I need to get back onto eating healthy. I know I can do this, I WILL do this....One bite, one decision...I need to find my bracelet and put it on. It does help.

I have this fear I'm gaining all the weight back, once again, before hitting my goal as I've done in the past. I dream of it. Actually, it's more of a horror-movie style nightmare but you get the point. I feel like people at work are seeing me and saying "oh no, she's putting on weight...." and it scares me. I still fit into my jeans, lol, but I'm still thinking this. My brain is notorious for playing evil tricks on me.

The bottom line is this~I refuse to stop. I have learned that "giving up" only gets me back to square one and I'm done with that square. For good. 90 pounds lost and I know I can get there. I also know that it's going to take something more, and I knew this would come soon enough and I was scared of it, too. Saying it out loud may help...ok, typing out loud.....Cutting down portions. Up until now, I've pretty much let myself eat fairly big amounts. Second helpings etc. and it's worked for me, I have lost 90 pounds. But I think I'm too that point now where it's going to take a lil more effort to get these last 40 pounds off and it's time to re-think my plan and fit portion control into it. I know I can do this, but it's going to take work, much like incorporating excercise into my life did. Did I like it at first? Hell NO. Do I now, hell YES! I'm going to start with not going back for seconds. One helping. Done. 2 yr old calling.....wish me luck on this new part....

more or less?

One of the things I struggle with this is portion size and amounts-but I'm not sure that is the right term. Sometimes I get into this mind frame that I won't become full. I need more, that can't or won't possibly be enough for me...etc. etc. Somehow over spring break, I fell back into this mind set. Now to get out of it. The problem is, how? Ideas? Does this happen to anyone else?

I have not eaten breakfast yet and I want to tell my family let's go to a buffet breakfast! On the other hand, I know that is not going to get me anything but:
1. farther away from my healthy eating
2. a sick tummy!
3. guilt and beating myself up
4. weight gain
5. tired for the rest of the day
6. just plain old bad for my body

I think I will have one of my fav's--a bowl of kashi berry crisp knowing I will feel soooo much better.

Tuesday's almost done...

and I made it through another Jackie workout. "Hate me now, love me later..." Oh yes, I do feel that when I'm in it doin' the sweat! It is a workout I do like, and like I said, I am feeling some good changes.

My niece's 24th birthday is this weekend. A bunch of her friends & family are going Saturday night to celebrate. A while back, she convinced me to shop at other stores since I've always shopped at the bigger size stores for my clothes. Catherine's, Lane Bryant etc. So last fall, I stepped into Express, from her coaxing, and bought a cute top I saw online in a size large. It fit although it was a bit snug, but I knew come spring I'd be able to rock that shirt. It was somehow a little unreal to me, even in fall, 70 or so pounds lost, that I could rock a size other than an xl or xxxl that I started out wearing. Never mind a size in a regular store, no plus on the tag this time!

A while ago she asked me if I had worn the shirt yet. I set out with a goal in mind to wear that shirt out for her birthday. I've got a cute new tank to wear under it and I've been doing Jackie's arm workouts hard 3x a week hoping that when I put that shirt on on Saturday, I am happy with how I look in it. Stay tuned, I promise to post a pic!

and another one bites the dust

Another JW workout done, one more to go for this week. I really feel it's working, making changes in my body with inches lost. It's not a workout I hate, it's 30 mins and most of it feels pretty good.

*Note, I do NOT like burpies and a lot of workouts include them, or don't call them "burpies" per say, but they are in fact burpies. Even the word is yuck, BURPIE. Ew. I did not like grunting through them in junior high and do not like them now either. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you like BURPIES??

TGIT

Yes, today is my Friday and it's HERRRRRRRRRRE!
I stopped by to say that I got my arse outta bed today and pushed through my 3rd Jackie Warner for the week! Yeeee-haaaaaaa! Feels SO good. I almost quit when my 2 yr old woke up crying, but I talked to her and calmed her down while I was pushing through the workout and she actually came and did some movin' with her mama. At first I felt bad, like I was being a bad mom by not quitting the workout. But she was a happy camper and I thought, how great is it that she sees me doing this? Hopefully she will remember her mama working out and how important it is to be healthy. "O)

THIT

OK, almost Thursday. Thursday is my Friday this week. Fun stuff planned, the hubby is turnin' the big 4-0! But that's another post....

I was looking at my past posts and holy cow, almost every one of them is how I've got back on after eating badly. Jeeze. I never really saw it that way but man, it's got me thinking. I could go either way--beat myself up about it or be glad I DID get back on. I'm sitting on a 90 pound loss and that sounds huge to me. 90 pounds is a lotta friggin' weight! If I had not gotten back on and let my blog go and let myself continue to eat with those patterns, I would not be sitting at a 90 pound loss. So there negative self, take that. I've got to be proud of myself for not quitting, for not giving up and I've got a few things to be proud of so I'm going to list them.

1.I did 1 1/2 hours on the elliptical Monday night. Wasn't planned, it just worked out and it felt GREAT. Over 6 miles.

2. I've done my new Jackie Warner DVD 2x this week, one more tomorrow and I've completed my goal of 3x this week. It's not easy-like she says-hate me now, love me later. It's the truth.

3.I "got back on" my healthiness journey and found my motivation again. I was a little worried there for a while. I'd be having a great day, then open the pantry and two or three cookies would shoot into my mouth, followed by something else....uuuggghhh, anyway, back on and happy about it.

4. I identified my most difficult eating time of the day and it's late afternoon before dinner. Anytime from about 2-3ish to dinner time. I've been able to combat this time with some tools--healthy snacks and earlier dinners. Working so far!

5. I set a goal to work-out every day this week. I've got three more days to go--Thursday with Jackie dvd, Friday at the gym and Sat. BL or gym. Gonna get there!

6. I want to wear a cute outfit for Saturday night. I'd like to wear my black crinkle cami with my black halfie sweater. I'm a little nervous about this since I do NOT want any fat bulges stickin' out. Hopefully I can wear this and feel gewwwwwwwwwd.

So there, 6 things I'm proud of myself for, even if a couple haven't happened yet. "o)

TO BE CONTINUED

confidence

A year ago, I attended a winter fun fest event in our community. It's loaded with inexpensive, fun things for the kids and adults to enjoy. I didn't dance, but I wanted to. I didn't move around much at all at this event, but I wanted to. Today, we went to that same event again. I danced, I moved around...I found myself having FUN~loving life, and enjoying this same event so much more than I did one year ago. It's amazing to me what this weight loss has done. It's given me new found confidence, and life is more FUN.

These past couple weeks I've been struggling with the weight loss aspect of my journey. I hit my 90 pound loss Christmas Eve and did very well eating wise through the holidays. It was after where I had my trouble. One thing lead to another, and another....this week I have found my motivation again and have gotten back on track. I will weigh in tomorrow or Monday, and hopefully see a loss. For some reason, I do not like to blog when I'm struggling. I feel as though it's a failure and if I blog it, it's making it real, confirming that failure. I don't know, it's crazy how my mind works and even crazier trying to re-train it!
Hopefully I'll get back here sooner than later~until then, keep on keeping on!