painful

I am now down 59 pounds. Noticing lots of changes, loving them all!

I've been thinking about this post for some time now. Putting it off, but it keeps surfacing...
I have battled weight for most, almost all, of my life. I can remember being in 3rd grade and my teacher coming to my desk to ask me if I had lost weight. She was trying to be discreet, but I turned bright red and was mortified. I guess I had lost some weight, but her saying so had confirmed what I had been feeling about myself for some time...F-A-T. That is where it all began. The painful memories of being overweight.

This next one is tough, the toughest one yet...Kids in grade school dubbed me "big mama"--mostly the athletic boys destined to be jocks in high-school, maybe that's where my intense dislike for the jocks or sporty boys stemmed from. Every time they said it, I would be crushed a little inside. Seems so trivial now, but writing that makes me tear up. That's when I really began to lose the little self-esteem I had left. By the time I reached junior high, we moved from a small city back to a big one. I was thrilled to be back near family etc. but I was terrified. I walked the halls of my new school constantly waiting for someone to tease me about my weight, horrified inside but trying to plan the best reaction, the best way to go unnoticed. I detested gym class. Flat out refused to put on a swim suit the entire swimming unit, except for once when I was forced to do so...no name calling. I look back on that and it my first positive experience regarding school and my weight.

I gradually became less of an introvert, especially around my friends. I don't remember being picked on in middle school, but I do remember being terrified and living my days in panicked fear of it happening. Looking back, I can see that I wasn't that terribly over weight. I have pics to prove it. In my mind, I was grossly obese-that's all I saw. If only I had gotten some positive information, proper information...I relied on 17 magazine and GLAMOUR for accurate portrayals of how I should look. Instead it gave reason to spiral into feeling looking "good" was an impossible feat.

By the time high school rolled around, I was probably about 15-20 pounds over weight. I, of course, thought I was morbidly over weight. I was a size 14, senior year 16--junior sizes. Still living with that fear, it was never far away. Spanish class one day we had to repeat sentences after the teacher. You had to choose a word to describe yourself. By the time it was my turn, I had two spanish words to choose from. Gordo--fat in spanish--and the thin word for spanish which I don't even remember. I felt trapped, my face was flaming red, my hands were pure sweat--my heart was beating out of my chest. I prayed for the floor to open up and swallow me in. "Angela es gordo" I said out loud. I could not say the other for fear I knew I'd hear the snickers that masked the word "liar" from the class. The teacher stopped and looked shocked, and said no, Angela, and you are not! Then she said the sentence using the other word. Isn't it funny I can't for the life of me remember what that word is but I certainly remember GORDO and LARGO. Not a word, not a noise was made by the class while that entire thing went down--I vividly remember thinking I felt the compassion and sympathy from my classmates but I told myself I must be mistaken.

I remember the first time I got called "hot" by a friend of my girl friend's. I was ELATED. I ended up dating him, the relationship was toxic but back then they were all learning lessons.

I met my future husband the summer before my senior year. I wrote this quote about him in a senior project class..."I still keep a shred of hope that he'll be the one who stays forver..." And he did. My hubby has always been a bright spot in my life. My literal knight in shining armor. Never once in all our time together has he EVER made any negative weight comments about my body. Never, not once. Always been positive, always. I soooooooo love him for this (among many other things, too, of course) I need to thank him more often. This is huge for me because all my life I had lived in fear of being tormented, teased and it was always a guy. Kids in school, my brother etc. and then this amazing one walked into my life. He was the start of the real happiness in my life. We've had our ups and downs complete with mistakes along the way, but as I look back he has made me the happiest woman in the world just by being him.
I love a happy ending! ;o)