pulling these thoughts out

I feel like right now I need try and organize all the thoughts that are swarming around in my head. Bear with me, I've thought a lot about this stuff the last few days and figured I would throw it all out on here and try to get some sort of plan going...

I haven't worked out since last Thursday, so wow...I just realized it's a week today. Damnit. First order of business--get some kind of work out in. Even if it's taking a walk with my lil Bean today. I could do a 3 miler we used to do last year. I have a baby shower tonight, errands to get done before that and cleaning on my to-do list tonight. Back to the workout thing, I was doing the Jackie dvd and although I do like the workout itself, and I do like the results, I am bored with it. I've done it 3x a week for quite a while now and need a new something for a bit. Maybe hitting the gym again, but man, that's getting tough since softball has started-both girls on different teams and Jay coaching Ali's team....Being a mom of 3, you have to get creative with working out. I will shoot for the long walk this afternoon. Maybe I'll add some running bits in, too. Hmmm.

My eating has not been so great. I somehow got into the mind set that the girl's spring break was party time for mama and slipped a lil off plan. Which one slip up lead to another...etc etc.....I need to get back onto eating healthy. I know I can do this, I WILL do this....One bite, one decision...I need to find my bracelet and put it on. It does help.

I have this fear I'm gaining all the weight back, once again, before hitting my goal as I've done in the past. I dream of it. Actually, it's more of a horror-movie style nightmare but you get the point. I feel like people at work are seeing me and saying "oh no, she's putting on weight...." and it scares me. I still fit into my jeans, lol, but I'm still thinking this. My brain is notorious for playing evil tricks on me.

The bottom line is this~I refuse to stop. I have learned that "giving up" only gets me back to square one and I'm done with that square. For good. 90 pounds lost and I know I can get there. I also know that it's going to take something more, and I knew this would come soon enough and I was scared of it, too. Saying it out loud may help...ok, typing out loud.....Cutting down portions. Up until now, I've pretty much let myself eat fairly big amounts. Second helpings etc. and it's worked for me, I have lost 90 pounds. But I think I'm too that point now where it's going to take a lil more effort to get these last 40 pounds off and it's time to re-think my plan and fit portion control into it. I know I can do this, but it's going to take work, much like incorporating excercise into my life did. Did I like it at first? Hell NO. Do I now, hell YES! I'm going to start with not going back for seconds. One helping. Done. 2 yr old calling.....wish me luck on this new part....

more or less?

One of the things I struggle with this is portion size and amounts-but I'm not sure that is the right term. Sometimes I get into this mind frame that I won't become full. I need more, that can't or won't possibly be enough for me...etc. etc. Somehow over spring break, I fell back into this mind set. Now to get out of it. The problem is, how? Ideas? Does this happen to anyone else?

I have not eaten breakfast yet and I want to tell my family let's go to a buffet breakfast! On the other hand, I know that is not going to get me anything but:
1. farther away from my healthy eating
2. a sick tummy!
3. guilt and beating myself up
4. weight gain
5. tired for the rest of the day
6. just plain old bad for my body

I think I will have one of my fav's--a bowl of kashi berry crisp knowing I will feel soooo much better.