Friday, July 30, 2010

TGIF and other stuff

FRIDAY is here, yay, love my weekends with my family!
I weighed in today, down 1. 8. I'll take it. For the last couple weigh in's, I have been up and this has frustrated me and thrown a wrench in my goals and plan. I let it sabotage me for a while too...sigh....well, no more. I promised myself I would get on plan which I did and not weigh till Friday which I did and I am back on, woo-hoo!
I think I only worked out once this week, and I am really craving it, today I'm getting a good workout in and tomorrow as well! Now onto the other stuff I mentioned....

A friend on FB tagged a couple pics of me and I could not believe what I saw. Remember that new shirt I talked about buying with my sister?? Well, in these pics I was wearing that shirt. In my mind, I looked much thinner in that shirt than those pictures showed. It was a wake up call for me. My first reaction when I saw those photos was "wow, look at that beautiful fat girl! Nice hair, nice make-up, cute clothes...but FAT. Not just "chubby" "chunky" "could stand to lose a couple pounds" but "FAT" "OBESE" "XXL" --and it was surprising to me. I did not FEEL how I LOOKED in that photo. I felt like a thinner person when I went out that night. I had lost 47 pounds, I had a new shirt on.... It makes me wonder, do fat people not see how they truly appear to the world? Is anyone else like this or am I the only screwed up one? This is a long road to head down and it is full of twists, turns and detours I did not expect nor want to take. But I am on this road for the duration, I have promised myself this and I will stick to it. I am back on and like Dory said....keep on swimming, just keep swimming.....
At the end of every post I am going to list another reason why I want to lose here's how I look and how I *think* I look are one and the same!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I have had a yuck-o 3 days. To sum it up, pizza, mexican and sliders. Saturday, Sunday & Monday. It all started when I had a couple of crap weigh-in's, after I had worked so hard exercising and eating right all week. I keep thinking, if it gets tough now, how will I ever get there?!! I don't know, but I do know that I can't give up. I found another blogger that started out like I did, doing the same things program wise that I am. She made it to 100 pounds lost and I can do this too. I have a plan for today to "de-tox" my crappy past 3 days and I will do this weight loss thing!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

(*%#(&%(* scale

I worked hard this week. Ate on plan, worked out 5 days, M-F and thought I'd have a really good week on the weigh-in. Nope. I was up the other day point something and I was up today .7 or .6 -I got down. I worked SO HARD this week, I was fully hoping for nice results. My thoughts were going something along the lines of this...I'm not quite half-way to my first big goal I have set for myself. I know it's going to get harder, I know I'll hit plateaus etc...but I just was hoping, PRAYING that things would keep going down for sometime before it got hard. Yes, I've come a long way, I am so proud of that. But, I've got a long way to go. I started second guessing myself, trying to explain to my comforting hubby that if it gets so hard already, how am I ever going to keep this battle up?! He reminded me why we are on this healthy journey in the first place, and that I'll get there...I explained that part of why I'm on this journey is also because I am sick and tired of being fat. I just don't want any part of it anymore--shopping at the large size stores, sweating when everyone else isn't, being super size...the list goes on. I am 37 and I want to enjoy being a normal size before I'm too old to look good anymore! Part of me laughs at that, part of me cries saying that out loud. I have lived the majority of my life fat. I've already shaved time off my life because of being fat. I will no longer let this control me, food is NOT that important-my life--IS. It makes me sad to think my Mom never got to see me thin. I was normal as a child, until around 2nd-3rd grade and then I lost 40+ pounds after high-school and wore a size juniors 13. That was at my thinnest and I loved it. My Mom loved me regardless, but I have this sadness that she won't see me thin. It makes me sad. Seeing that number on the scale be up instead of down like I so anticipated was such a downer. I didn't let it ruin my day, yes-I shed some tears but I let it go and had a wonderful day. I stayed on plan today and worked out, then walked with a friend after dinner. I plan on weighing tomorrow again, I need to see what the numbers say. Not sure how I'll react to another plus should it pop up, but I'm sure a post will be coming.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A letter to me

I saw this idea from another blogger who mentioned yet another blogger had done this...confused yet? At any rate, I've had some things/thoughts floating around in this brain of mine lately and this seemed like a perfect way to let them out in some type of organized fashion. So here goes...

Dear me,

Just a letter to say a few things...I LOVE LOVE LOVE your will power. You have now survived and stuck with this healthy eating plan for two seasons, going on three. You started in spring and kept it up through summer now, that's a record I believe. Yes, you've "gone off the wagon" a time or two, but you've made the decision to do so and also made allowances for those decisions, good or bad. You stuck with them, and stuck to it. That is CHANGE, change for the better. May this will power carry on, relentlessly.

I am so proud of the excercise habits you are making. You are continually working out, got through being sick, got through hurting your ankle etc. and yet you did not fall back into old habits, you kept strong and got back to working out. This is one of the most important success' and key to losing weight as consistantly as you have. Like a friend once said--it's not rocket science, burn more calories than you take in." As if it was only indeed that easy, but in a way that makes you get back to basics when you lose sight of it all.

I love the body that is emerging, I like to think of it as a caterpillar shedding it's ultra huge cocoon. I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection tonight while on a bike ride with my family. I did a double take. I am really shrinking, I can see it. Then I think, am I really or is it this fooling mind? He he. I KNOW I am, I have physical evidence. My clothes are too big, clothes that were once too tight are now too big and it's WONDERFUL. I remember catching glimpses of myself in the reflection at work and I would look away quickly, ashamed of myself and what I had become. Now, I see a new body coming alive again and it's electrifying!

I want to remind you of why you started on this journey for the finale--your future. Your future that includes your children, your children's children (if you are so blessed) and so on. I want to see all my children grow and learn, explore life...There is so much we do not control, this is one thing I can to try and insure a future that lasts. I want to look good. LOOK GEWWWWWWWWD. I want to shop at any store, I want to have several great choices to wear when Jay and I are going for a night out, I want to wear "skinny jeans" many more but these will suffice for now.

I no longer want the stress of "if I stand this way, I'll look thinner..." or "will it be so hot at work today that I'll be the only one sweating bullets?!" I want to sit with my legs crossed comfortably. I want to feel good in my body. I want to go to the amusement park with my kids and know I can get on any ride and not worry if I will be able to buckle up without a struggle.

You CAN do this, you ARE doing this. YOU WILL DO THIS. You are almost half way there. A couple short months ago you were staring down the barrel of a long, long path. Now, you are almost half way down that path. You can get to the end of that path, know that you can. Yes it will take more sweat, more struggle, more tears and more will power-but you will get there and you will cross that finish line a winner this time!

Friday, July 16, 2010


I see a lot of blogs talking about this and it got me thinking too...
Sometimes when I see myself, I KNOW I am too big. That's the nicest way I can say it. Aw hell--I'm going to say it, it's no secret...I'm FAT, LARGE, OBESE...I do not like that word. Seriously, who made up that term?!! Probably some skinny person who's never had to lose a pound in their life. They should've allowed a fat person to come up with their own term, their own word...OBESE--it sounds so grotesque. Blech. Anyway, back to the point...I see myself in a mirror and I see what I hope to change. But when I'm NOT looking in a mirror, I think I see myself as thinner than I really am. Case in point, I went to a little street festival last night with my sister. They had a really cool indian type clothing vendor and she stopped to look so I did too. I've always loved those stitched, tie-dyed shirts but they've always been too small for me. Last night I saw one I fell in love with that was an XL. Just a regular ladies XL. I can't even remember the last time I bought a regular ladies size instead of women's plus. It'll never fit I thought. Why bother?? I put it back. Why was I even looking at these?? My sister came around the corner and said try it on! Just do it, over your shirt. I was wearing a cute tank with a short sleeve shrug I bought over it. I will not wear tanks without something covering my upper arms, they look too fat. So, I thought what the hell and I tried it on over the tank. Something glorious happened. It fit. Over the tank and all, it fit. I had to see a mirror, it looked pretty good. Even over the tank. I could not believe it. I bought the shirt. I am wearing it to a party Sat. my hubby and I are going to. Without the shrug. I will feel naked but I am doing it. It looks good and I'm going to FEEL good in it.
This got me thinking, will I ever like how I look? Will I ever look and wish this or that was not so fat etc etc... I don't know. I really hope that yes, I can be happy with myself but that, too, is a journey I'm taking along with this weight loss trek. It is a crazy journey, but I will get there!

Monday, July 12, 2010


It's how many pounds I've lost. Yes, I'm happy, excited...I want more. It's getting difficult lately-cravings are creeping in like they weren't before. I had this wonderful will power and I'm trying to kick it back into focus. I'm sick with a cough/cold thing that's driving me crazy, I'm never sick. I know I can do this, I know I WILL do this--but it's getting harder now. I want to eat something right now-anything-but I don't want to ruin my good day. I made myself come and post to avoid a bad choice. I think I will allow myself a lite yogurt treat with some graham crackers. That sounds good to me, I can do this. Wish me luck!