perception

I see a lot of blogs talking about this and it got me thinking too...
Sometimes when I see myself, I KNOW I am too big. That's the nicest way I can say it. Aw hell--I'm going to say it, it's no secret...I'm FAT, LARGE, OBESE...I do not like that word. Seriously, who made up that term?!! Probably some skinny person who's never had to lose a pound in their life. They should've allowed a fat person to come up with their own term, their own word...OBESE--it sounds so grotesque. Blech. Anyway, back to the point...I see myself in a mirror and I see what I hope to change. But when I'm NOT looking in a mirror, I think I see myself as thinner than I really am. Case in point, I went to a little street festival last night with my sister. They had a really cool indian type clothing vendor and she stopped to look so I did too. I've always loved those stitched, tie-dyed shirts but they've always been too small for me. Last night I saw one I fell in love with that was an XL. Just a regular ladies XL. I can't even remember the last time I bought a regular ladies size instead of women's plus. It'll never fit I thought. Why bother?? I put it back. Why was I even looking at these?? My sister came around the corner and said try it on! Just do it, over your shirt. I was wearing a cute tank with a short sleeve shrug I bought over it. I will not wear tanks without something covering my upper arms, they look too fat. So, I thought what the hell and I tried it on over the tank. Something glorious happened. It fit. Over the tank and all, it fit. I had to see a mirror, it looked pretty good. Even over the tank. I could not believe it. I bought the shirt. I am wearing it to a party Sat. my hubby and I are going to. Without the shrug. I will feel naked but I am doing it. It looks good and I'm going to FEEL good in it.
This got me thinking, will I ever like how I look? Will I ever look and wish this or that was not so fat etc etc... I don't know. I really hope that yes, I can be happy with myself but that, too, is a journey I'm taking along with this weight loss trek. It is a crazy journey, but I will get there!