painful

I am now down 59 pounds. Noticing lots of changes, loving them all!

I've been thinking about this post for some time now. Putting it off, but it keeps surfacing...
I have battled weight for most, almost all, of my life. I can remember being in 3rd grade and my teacher coming to my desk to ask me if I had lost weight. She was trying to be discreet, but I turned bright red and was mortified. I guess I had lost some weight, but her saying so had confirmed what I had been feeling about myself for some time...F-A-T. That is where it all began. The painful memories of being overweight.

This next one is tough, the toughest one yet...Kids in grade school dubbed me "big mama"--mostly the athletic boys destined to be jocks in high-school, maybe that's where my intense dislike for the jocks or sporty boys stemmed from. Every time they said it, I would be crushed a little inside. Seems so trivial now, but writing that makes me tear up. That's when I really began to lose the little self-esteem I had left. By the time I reached junior high, we moved from a small city back to a big one. I was thrilled to be back near family etc. but I was terrified. I walked the halls of my new school constantly waiting for someone to tease me about my weight, horrified inside but trying to plan the best reaction, the best way to go unnoticed. I detested gym class. Flat out refused to put on a swim suit the entire swimming unit, except for once when I was forced to do so...no name calling. I look back on that and it my first positive experience regarding school and my weight.

I gradually became less of an introvert, especially around my friends. I don't remember being picked on in middle school, but I do remember being terrified and living my days in panicked fear of it happening. Looking back, I can see that I wasn't that terribly over weight. I have pics to prove it. In my mind, I was grossly obese-that's all I saw. If only I had gotten some positive information, proper information...I relied on 17 magazine and GLAMOUR for accurate portrayals of how I should look. Instead it gave reason to spiral into feeling looking "good" was an impossible feat.

By the time high school rolled around, I was probably about 15-20 pounds over weight. I, of course, thought I was morbidly over weight. I was a size 14, senior year 16--junior sizes. Still living with that fear, it was never far away. Spanish class one day we had to repeat sentences after the teacher. You had to choose a word to describe yourself. By the time it was my turn, I had two spanish words to choose from. Gordo--fat in spanish--and the thin word for spanish which I don't even remember. I felt trapped, my face was flaming red, my hands were pure sweat--my heart was beating out of my chest. I prayed for the floor to open up and swallow me in. "Angela es gordo" I said out loud. I could not say the other for fear I knew I'd hear the snickers that masked the word "liar" from the class. The teacher stopped and looked shocked, and said no, Angela, and you are not! Then she said the sentence using the other word. Isn't it funny I can't for the life of me remember what that word is but I certainly remember GORDO and LARGO. Not a word, not a noise was made by the class while that entire thing went down--I vividly remember thinking I felt the compassion and sympathy from my classmates but I told myself I must be mistaken.

I remember the first time I got called "hot" by a friend of my girl friend's. I was ELATED. I ended up dating him, the relationship was toxic but back then they were all learning lessons.

I met my future husband the summer before my senior year. I wrote this quote about him in a senior project class..."I still keep a shred of hope that he'll be the one who stays forver..." And he did. My hubby has always been a bright spot in my life. My literal knight in shining armor. Never once in all our time together has he EVER made any negative weight comments about my body. Never, not once. Always been positive, always. I soooooooo love him for this (among many other things, too, of course) I need to thank him more often. This is huge for me because all my life I had lived in fear of being tormented, teased and it was always a guy. Kids in school, my brother etc. and then this amazing one walked into my life. He was the start of the real happiness in my life. We've had our ups and downs complete with mistakes along the way, but as I look back he has made me the happiest woman in the world just by being him.
I love a happy ending! ;o)

Reflections

I noticed something tonight after working out at the club. I did a lap between the elliptical session and octane sessions I did and noticed my reflection. I did a double take, not believing it to be true. What I saw in that reflection wasn't as bad as I remembered. I used to cringe inside when I'd be forced to see how big I let myself become. I almost couldn't stand it, there was no where else to look and it was staring me in the face. When I saw it tonight, I was pleasantly surprised. This time I looked much thinner, and it was amazing to me.
I have now lost 55 pounds total, as of Sunday. 55 pounds is a LOT, half way to 60, then I'm onto 70...wow. I did not think when I first began this journey, that I'd get here. It seemed so far away, to have a nice number lost under my belt--literally. Yet I am here, over half way to my second goal of this journey and it feels wonderful. I am excited to go back to work when school starts, excited to see if people notice. I so love when people give me compliments, it's like a re-charge of my weight loss motivation.
I had a great work-out tonight, sticking to my plan of working out every other day has been going well. Changing it up, more for ease than boredom.
Here's to many more surprising, exciting reflections looking back at me to come!

It's all about choices

First things first, I am down another 2, 52 total lost so far! Ya-hoooo!

I put on some white capri's that I loved and wore when I lost weight a few years ago. They were my favorite capri's, little hangy doo-dads on them, side pockets...so cute. I tried them on and they were LOOSE. LOOSE. Wearable, when I tucked in a tank and pulled them up a little higher-hee hee. I was thrilled. I looked up my old weight watcher book and now I have lost more than I did while doing WW. That felt GREAT, I have done this myself-no paying. While I did enjoy WW, it was 12 bucks a week when I went which added up. I was going to be on it for a while and it added up. I ended up quitting and well, here I am. This time I wanted to do it myself. Free. It's not rocket science, I CAN do this. I AM doing this. It feels GREAT!

Last night I went to see Eclipse with a good friend and my sis-in-law. It was AWESOME, but I am a Twi-hard, I admit that. When we walked in, Nancy (who is also doing WW and we share our weigh-in info. to support eachother) said let's get some popcorn. I said nooooooooo, movie theatre popcorn is all kinds of EVIL bad fat-ness injected--you really don't want it. How 'bout some twizzlers to share instead?? Yes, you are right she said and we split a pack. No fat, some sugar, but not bad. I was thinking about this after and I feel a little biz-natch-y for doing that. But she is a super close friend and I knew she appreciated it. I talked her out of dumping that crap into her tummy! It's little choices like that, that add up to losses on the scale. I have learned that much so far.
I am so elated to be going down again, when I was up a couple weigh-in's after so much hard work, it was tough. But I stuck to it when I wanted to give up, got back on when I fell off with a couple pizza and slider snack fests and now I am down 52. If I had let that slip up continue, I'd be letting go of all my hard work and watching it slip away, back onto my body as fat. I need to remind myself of these things when I am up again and have a rough patch. I am committed to getting to my goal, one good choice at a time.

Half empty

Yes, I meant half empty, I have now lost 50 pounds.
50 FREAKIN POUNDS! ON MY OWN! I am half way to my first big goal now.
I colored in my rainbow path (will post pics soon) and looked at it in awe. I did that, I made that happen. By my own will power, my own eating plan. I am so happy yet shocked by that. I've done WW, it worked, I lost weight but I left it, it cost so much. I've tried other diets, and they worked, I lost weight but didn't stick to it-obviously, I'm here writing this blog, right? Something this time clicked. Maybe it's because I finally hit bottom and I just will not live the fat life anymore. Maybe it's because my hubby inspired me and it's SO much easier doing this with him. Whatever it is, it's working and I'm sticking with it.
I love being 50 pounds thinner. I am starting to see the hard work paying off. My collar bones are visible again. My face looks thinner. I love getting compliments. I ran into some friends the other night and my friend said to me, wow, you have lost weight. That felt so good. Someone noticed! Someone sees my hard work, too! When you have a lot to lose, it takes a while for people to notice. I won't lie here, a part of me feels almost ashamed that I have lost 50 pounds. Isn't that crazy?! Yeah it is! But that part of me knows that 50 is a lot, and I still clearly have a lot yet to go. It all goes back to, how did I get here--how did I let it go so much??! Not going to go down that road, hindsight is 50/50.
A lot of sweat, hard work and will power went into each and every one of those 50 pounds that are gone and I will be proud of them--along with the next 50! "oD