It's the most wonderful time of the year...

On the one hand, I feel that yes, it is indeed. On the other hand, my new, healthier journey self is telling me that no, 'tis not. I've been having some struggles. I have not jumped ship here, don't get me wrong, but some choices have not been the best I could do, either.
Take today for example, I told myself I would work-out. I did not. We got a ton of snow, again, and I did not feel like braving the elements to venture to the gym. So I wrapped presents with my 9 yr old, and then I did our cards. All in all a productive evening, but I did not achieve my goal of working out so I feel failure-ish. I don't like that!
As far as eating goes, I didn't do badly--but it could have been better. I felt slightly stressed and almost let food take over. But, I didn't. I need to change that to a win in my brain instead of a failure. So I missed working out, it's not the end of the world. I'll go tomorrow and start a-new.
Maybe I'm feeling deprived, I've made it through 2 holiday parties without over-indulging. I don't feel like I am deprived, but I feel like I should be. Does that make sense? My old self is saying--you didn't shove tons of cookies in your gut, you didn't take several trips to the food, you didn't over load your plate...my new self is saying "VICTORY!" Sometimes I literally feel like a battle is going on within myself. I felt like I should eat a ton since I didn't bother working out today. I feel this need to punish myself with sabotage, it's crazy. I often wonder when that will ever end. Only time will tell.
On another note, I have reached 85 pounds lost as weigh-in last Thursday. I was thrilled, finally, I hit under 81 lost, it took a while. I am now 15 away from hitting my first goal which was to lose 100 pounds. I am so amazed by that, I love it. Stay tuned....

5

I have 5 followers, yayyyyyyyyy!
I used to get so excited when I'd get a little comment here or there, but now I looked and I have 5 followers, hope you like reading this lil blog and you comment and stick around my fab 5! lol

Today has been good, I did a short biggest loser workout this a.m. and hit the gym tonight for a 30 min elliptical session. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I signed up for the Turkey Trot, a 5k that I'm speed walking in with a couple friends of mine next week on thanksgiving. Anyway, i did a 3 mile speed walk the other night during a workout and I wanted to do it in 45 mins. I did it in 52 instead. Not bad, but I'll keep on working on it.

I really don't think I'm getting the best of my workouts though. I'm sweating a ton, and doing elliptical and now sometimes octane and/or tread, but I feel like I could be doing more. I'd love to ask a trainer their opinion on what I could do to maximize fat burning on my workouts, but I am no where near that brave yet. Guess I could look on the net and poke around seeing what I find out too. What's a good workout for you? Any ideas for me?

Wednesday Schmenesday

Well, I'm happy to blog that I've gotten back on track and had a great work-out last night.
It's not been easy, I have pin pointed my toughest time for having to stop myself with eating is late afternoon/early evening, before dinner. While making dinner it's darn near impossible not to snack and indulge for me. Then dinner is ready and I'm not even hungry, because I've filled up on everything then I eat dinner anyway! I'm trying to battle back with this fight by having crystal light readily available (love that stuff-but I am trying to break myself of it eventually) and veggie snacks. SO HARD! Once dinner is over, it's much easier for me. I tell myself I'm "done" with food for the day, and that's it. I also love a work-out in the evening, I feel like I'm burning more calories working out late. Don't know if that's true or not, but it feels good in my mind!
I've also got a new motivator, I'm doing my first ever 5K, Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning! Never thought in a million years I'd be doing a 5K, let alone at the butt crack of dawn. GO ME! It helps that a great friend of mine agreed to do it as well, moral support is awesome.
One thing I've been thinking about lately is wondering why I've been successful this time around. And doing it alone, no programs, no meal plans, no calorie counting...just me. I think it's that I have just kept on with it. If I have a bad time with something-giving in to a dessert, for example-which for me easily leads into "well, I had that so I may as well have this too" which leads to "why work-out, I've already done damage" then it can be a couple days before I get out of that hole and back on track. Before now, I'd get that bad and quit. Although I haven't had a really bad lengthy mess up time, I've gotten myself back on track each time I slip up. I've kept on stepping, even if it's little steps. And I'm here to tell ya, those little steps add up to noticeable changes and it works. I've got 79 pounds of back up to say lil steps add up! There is no quitting this time for me, even when I get to goal, I will still be on a healthy quest for my body. So here's to health & happiness, one step at a time!

frustration

I am at one of those yucky places right now. Eating has not been great, not all bad but not great either. I'm trying to see where I lost footing, slipped up and identify how to get back on.
The holidays are upon me and I've never really gone through them trying to be healthy before. I can see it's not going to be easy.
I haven't worked out since Saturday, which now that that's down on paper it doesn't seem so bad. It's Tuesday today. I had a goal of every other day that was working well though so I've let myself down.
So, there's 3 things that I need to turn around. Getting out of this yucky place where I let go and eat too much--I'm not really making bad choices, just eating too much. So why am I doing that?? I weighed in Sunday and was up 3. I was/am down 79--I do not take back what I've achieved even if I have a gain so in my mind, I'm still down 79. I've sweat, screamed, cried and punched out those 79 pounds, I'll be damned if I add them back on again! So I was up, and I know why--it's from the cocktails I indulged in on Thursday night, then Saturday night. Not a lot, but enough and boy, do they pack the calories! On Sunday I made a pretty healthy dip for my hubby during the game and proceeded to eat half of it with tortilla chips to boot. Then it was, well, I've eaten that much, might as well eat two of the yummy crock pot pulled pork sandwiches with an added couple bites of my 2 yr old's too. ::sigh:: Today I did well until before dinner, then I over ate box stuffing and mashed taters complete with green bean casserole. Yes, I'm having that green bean goodness I love next week but I just couldn't wait and had to have some tonight. But ya know, something happened, it just didn't taste as good as I remembered.
So I'm asking myself, why is that? Is it because it didn't do it's job for me that I've let it do so many times before which is comfort me and make me feel better?? I keep asking myself this question tonight as my mind wandered back to that. It was good, but it wasn't as good as I remember. I could've waited till next week on turkey day. I should've waited. I've come this far though and I refuse to beat myself up over choices I make. I wanted the damn green bean crap so I made it and ate it. I didn't go back for bites before I packed the left overs in the fridge. Who am I kidding, I stayed the hell out of the kitchen away from them all together so I couldn't! Point is, I didn't go back. And that's what I'm going to focus on here, I am not going back. Not for just one more bite and not to pack on pounds I've already fought so hard to get rid of. NO way. I can do this~just gotta keep on stepping, keep on going. I CAN DO THIS AND I WILL!

friday night or saturday morning?

So in a few hours is the prior fat girl event/meet-up. I am so nervous/excited--I am going, although alone. Scared about that. I've never done something that brave before. Usually I will hunt down a friend or buddy who may want to go--this time I'm on my own. Never would've done that 76 pounds ago. Yes, 76. I got my head outta my rear and got on track. Weighed today after a week and was so happy. I need to figure out how to get out of those mind sets when they occur. So I will post more after tomorrow. Lots of new things going on here and so looking forward to tomorrow!

struggles

Apparently, I am drowning over here and can't pull my head outta my butt. Grrrrrr. I am at a loss, crabby--not sure what to do or how to do it. ::sigh:: I ate too much last night, after my post about getting back on track etc. it went wrong. Stopped at the bar after picking up some friends from the Vike's game and drank two drinks. Came home and ate more food from our crock pot Sunday. Grrrr. Today I woke up and was having more difficulty getting my 9 yr old motivated to get ready for school. I go to the kitchen to find an opened chocolate bar, opened marshmallows and graham crackers staring me in the face. S'mores, breakfast of champions. Argggghhh. Yes, I was ticked off my hubby let my oldest engage in this so what do I do? Pop a piece of the chocolate in my mouth. Darnit! I also made my own s'more this a.m. and ate 2 waffles plus a rice crispie bar that was left in the living room. I am drowning here and I need to figure out why and STOP. So my promise is to stop. Stop this insanity right flippin' now and get a grip on reality. The reality is I don't want to sabotage myself, and yet I keep doing so! I've had some stress with my oldest daughter going on and my 9 yr old and I think it's getting the best of me. I wonder if my decisions are the right ones, I don't want to make mistakes like my Mom did. I love her and later in my life our relationship was great, but when I was a child it wasn't great and I'll leave it at that. I have an intense fear of not being a good mom and it gets the best of me. If only kids came with an instruction manual. Hopefully when I post again, I will be back on track.

Weekends

are fun and I also encounter my biggest challenges during them. Thursday night I went out for 'ladies night" with some girlfriends at a local bar/club. Wow, did these eyes see some "stuff", let's just leave it at that! LOL It was very fun, a lil too much on the cocktail front. We ended up at Perkins after for some post-cocktail hang-over ward off. While making good choices while out is difficult enough, let alone toss in some post drinkies and giggles with the girls, and it went out the window for me. I ordered a sausage scrambler "hold the scrambles" (no eggs-ever since I had my second child, when I eat eggs I get sick). I ate it ALL, including a muffin and fruit. It was delish. Not sure if it was the food or drinks that made me feel like I had been hit by a truck the next day but either way, it was brutal getting ready for work and doing the day with my kids! Not going to do that anytime soon again! I must say it was fun, and I felt so good wearing a new outfit I had gotten...sometimes I just need a fun, let loose kinda night.
Friday was fun, but I found myself trying to keep my head above water making good choices....I felt I should go hungry and eat "extra good" the whole day almost as if I am punishing myself for my choices. I didn't do badly, but not as good as I wanted...And the cycle starts all over again. I did get a great work out in, I pushed myself to do 60 mins on the elliptical. I felt great. Saturday I shared fajitas out with my hubby and more cocktail fun ensued. We felt "naughty" and ordered a pizza late night, complete with cheese. I refuse to let that frustrate me though. I CHOSE to let myself make that choice, and enjoyed every bite. I also said to myself I would slim fast it until dinner which I have done today, go me.
I felt like giving up and stuffing my hungry face, so I came down to check my blog and email and found a great email from Jen, Prior Fat Girl. 5 days left until her big event I signed up for scared as I was and it was all I needed to get my head back in the game and wait to eat a healthy dinner that is almost done cooking. I saw something that caught my attention as I was poking around blogs, too---"Failure is not an option". That is how I feel. It simply is NOT an option for me. I must pick myself up, move on from the choices of the past and concentrate on a new set of choice making, no punishments or guilt allowed. I can do this, I know I can....FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!

just a Tuesday

and some new thoughts runnin' around this brain of mine. I wonder if your brain loses weight, too. Seriously, think about that for a minute. There is fat all over your body, and you lose weight all over, so why not there? Without out all the crap clogging and running through your veins, wouldn't it make sense that it would help your brain too? Hmmm...I may have to look into that.

Anyway, I wanted to post because I am amazed at what I've accomplished so far today and still there is a lot of the day left. There is no way when I was heavier, I would've gotten all this done. I've walked the dog to the groomer's, taken my youngest to the park and played, cleaned the house, done Grandpa's laundry and made and eaten lunch. Wow. OK, so it doesn't look like as much as it sounds but man, I know it would've taken me much longer to get all that done when I was 70 pounds heavier.

Yes, I've made it to 70 lost now. More than half way to my goal. I can't pin point what made it stick this time for me, but I can say I'm loving every minute and so much happier now. To hear my 9 yr old say she is proud of me is priceless. I saw this quote a while ago--"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" and that is right on the money for me. I find myself going back to that quote when I want another helping of food even though I'm not needing it or when I want to eat the oreos that are staring me in the face when I open the pantry. I really ought to frame that and hang it on my fridge.
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels~

Fat

Grossly dramatic three-dimensional visual replica of human fat molded with the same techniques used to create Life/form® food replicas. A shocking but strongly motivating attention-getter. Made of soft, pliable, long-lasting vinyl plastic, this replica has a profound, memorable effect when passed around among the audience. Replica represents approximate volume of real fatty tissue; weights vary.



Here is another way to figure the fat. Two cups of fat is one pound.



Folks might remember Oprah’s epic weight loss in 1988, which she celebrated by rolling out of a wagon filled with 67 pounds of fat to represent the weight she’d lost using a liquid protein diet.




There are lots of ways to look at fat, aren't there?
That pic above is HUGE for me, I remember watching that Oprah episode with my Mom when she wheeled out that wagon, looking sooooo good. I wanted to do what she did. I remember her talking about how she called a friend wanting to EAT and thinking, hmmm, not so much. I cut that out of a magazine and saved that photo when I did WW after high school. It was inspirational for me. Still is. So I looked it up. I've now lost more than that wagon of fat she is pulling. I've lost 69 pounds as of today. 69 pounds is a LOT of weight. 69 pounds is two of my 2 yr old daughters. 69 pounds is 69 of those bad boy fat replicas up there. Bottom line is, 69 pounds is a LOT of weight. I am feeling good about my weight loss these days. Getting compliments at work, from friends...it's all lovely. I'm wearing a size 18 jeans that when I bought them a little over a week ago were a bit too tight, now they fit comfy. I used to wear a size 26/28. I am happy I have come this far, eager to go farther. I have filled up a lot of my rainbow path, which I will take a pic and share later. I looked at that today and felt so good that I stuck with my healthy eating plan and have reached my first short term goal, almost to my second- then on to my last. It feels so amazingly good I cannot put it into words. But believe me, I won't grow tired of trying.

winner

I came on tonight to see if I had the biggest percentage of weight loss at the competition I entered. (Look for Muffin Fixation on blogs I follow for more info on future comp's) (And yes, I am too blog illiterate to play around right now and find out how to post a link. :P) So far, I did. It was pretty amazing to me to see that. I may or may not have won, but to me, tonight, I did. It feels wonderful.

I constantly think of how far I have come now, and want to go even farther. I can't wait to hit "one"derland and experience that. As of now I have lost 62 POUNDS. 62!!!! I can't believe it but there it is. I feel so good, I struggle to put into words just how good it does feel--but I am going to try....

1. I went to the big state fair here 3 times this year and ate well each time. By well I mean stayed healthy, if it wasn't I had one bite and felt so good about that, not one bit of me felt "denied" or unsatisfied. I felt like I wanted to take my kids down the giant slide, even though I'm afraid of heights. I wanted to take them on a ride when before I was afraid I wouldn't fit in the seat. It felt great! Next year, I will take them down the slide and I will take them on a ride-I won't have to worry about not fitting or any of that!

2. I LOVE getting compliments. LOVE IT! Sunday Jay's Grandma (who is one cool lady) told me I looked skinny or something to that effect. She hadn't seen me for some time. THAT felt great. I also got compliments from my friends and family too, never gets old!

3. I don't cringe when I walk by the mirror working out anymore. Instead I look, head on, to see just how I have changed. HA window reflection! lol

These things and so many more feel so good. I can't wait to experience more!

painful

I am now down 59 pounds. Noticing lots of changes, loving them all!

I've been thinking about this post for some time now. Putting it off, but it keeps surfacing...
I have battled weight for most, almost all, of my life. I can remember being in 3rd grade and my teacher coming to my desk to ask me if I had lost weight. She was trying to be discreet, but I turned bright red and was mortified. I guess I had lost some weight, but her saying so had confirmed what I had been feeling about myself for some time...F-A-T. That is where it all began. The painful memories of being overweight.

This next one is tough, the toughest one yet...Kids in grade school dubbed me "big mama"--mostly the athletic boys destined to be jocks in high-school, maybe that's where my intense dislike for the jocks or sporty boys stemmed from. Every time they said it, I would be crushed a little inside. Seems so trivial now, but writing that makes me tear up. That's when I really began to lose the little self-esteem I had left. By the time I reached junior high, we moved from a small city back to a big one. I was thrilled to be back near family etc. but I was terrified. I walked the halls of my new school constantly waiting for someone to tease me about my weight, horrified inside but trying to plan the best reaction, the best way to go unnoticed. I detested gym class. Flat out refused to put on a swim suit the entire swimming unit, except for once when I was forced to do so...no name calling. I look back on that and it my first positive experience regarding school and my weight.

I gradually became less of an introvert, especially around my friends. I don't remember being picked on in middle school, but I do remember being terrified and living my days in panicked fear of it happening. Looking back, I can see that I wasn't that terribly over weight. I have pics to prove it. In my mind, I was grossly obese-that's all I saw. If only I had gotten some positive information, proper information...I relied on 17 magazine and GLAMOUR for accurate portrayals of how I should look. Instead it gave reason to spiral into feeling looking "good" was an impossible feat.

By the time high school rolled around, I was probably about 15-20 pounds over weight. I, of course, thought I was morbidly over weight. I was a size 14, senior year 16--junior sizes. Still living with that fear, it was never far away. Spanish class one day we had to repeat sentences after the teacher. You had to choose a word to describe yourself. By the time it was my turn, I had two spanish words to choose from. Gordo--fat in spanish--and the thin word for spanish which I don't even remember. I felt trapped, my face was flaming red, my hands were pure sweat--my heart was beating out of my chest. I prayed for the floor to open up and swallow me in. "Angela es gordo" I said out loud. I could not say the other for fear I knew I'd hear the snickers that masked the word "liar" from the class. The teacher stopped and looked shocked, and said no, Angela, and you are not! Then she said the sentence using the other word. Isn't it funny I can't for the life of me remember what that word is but I certainly remember GORDO and LARGO. Not a word, not a noise was made by the class while that entire thing went down--I vividly remember thinking I felt the compassion and sympathy from my classmates but I told myself I must be mistaken.

I remember the first time I got called "hot" by a friend of my girl friend's. I was ELATED. I ended up dating him, the relationship was toxic but back then they were all learning lessons.

I met my future husband the summer before my senior year. I wrote this quote about him in a senior project class..."I still keep a shred of hope that he'll be the one who stays forver..." And he did. My hubby has always been a bright spot in my life. My literal knight in shining armor. Never once in all our time together has he EVER made any negative weight comments about my body. Never, not once. Always been positive, always. I soooooooo love him for this (among many other things, too, of course) I need to thank him more often. This is huge for me because all my life I had lived in fear of being tormented, teased and it was always a guy. Kids in school, my brother etc. and then this amazing one walked into my life. He was the start of the real happiness in my life. We've had our ups and downs complete with mistakes along the way, but as I look back he has made me the happiest woman in the world just by being him.
I love a happy ending! ;o)

Reflections

I noticed something tonight after working out at the club. I did a lap between the elliptical session and octane sessions I did and noticed my reflection. I did a double take, not believing it to be true. What I saw in that reflection wasn't as bad as I remembered. I used to cringe inside when I'd be forced to see how big I let myself become. I almost couldn't stand it, there was no where else to look and it was staring me in the face. When I saw it tonight, I was pleasantly surprised. This time I looked much thinner, and it was amazing to me.
I have now lost 55 pounds total, as of Sunday. 55 pounds is a LOT, half way to 60, then I'm onto 70...wow. I did not think when I first began this journey, that I'd get here. It seemed so far away, to have a nice number lost under my belt--literally. Yet I am here, over half way to my second goal of this journey and it feels wonderful. I am excited to go back to work when school starts, excited to see if people notice. I so love when people give me compliments, it's like a re-charge of my weight loss motivation.
I had a great work-out tonight, sticking to my plan of working out every other day has been going well. Changing it up, more for ease than boredom.
Here's to many more surprising, exciting reflections looking back at me to come!

It's all about choices

First things first, I am down another 2, 52 total lost so far! Ya-hoooo!

I put on some white capri's that I loved and wore when I lost weight a few years ago. They were my favorite capri's, little hangy doo-dads on them, side pockets...so cute. I tried them on and they were LOOSE. LOOSE. Wearable, when I tucked in a tank and pulled them up a little higher-hee hee. I was thrilled. I looked up my old weight watcher book and now I have lost more than I did while doing WW. That felt GREAT, I have done this myself-no paying. While I did enjoy WW, it was 12 bucks a week when I went which added up. I was going to be on it for a while and it added up. I ended up quitting and well, here I am. This time I wanted to do it myself. Free. It's not rocket science, I CAN do this. I AM doing this. It feels GREAT!

Last night I went to see Eclipse with a good friend and my sis-in-law. It was AWESOME, but I am a Twi-hard, I admit that. When we walked in, Nancy (who is also doing WW and we share our weigh-in info. to support eachother) said let's get some popcorn. I said nooooooooo, movie theatre popcorn is all kinds of EVIL bad fat-ness injected--you really don't want it. How 'bout some twizzlers to share instead?? Yes, you are right she said and we split a pack. No fat, some sugar, but not bad. I was thinking about this after and I feel a little biz-natch-y for doing that. But she is a super close friend and I knew she appreciated it. I talked her out of dumping that crap into her tummy! It's little choices like that, that add up to losses on the scale. I have learned that much so far.
I am so elated to be going down again, when I was up a couple weigh-in's after so much hard work, it was tough. But I stuck to it when I wanted to give up, got back on when I fell off with a couple pizza and slider snack fests and now I am down 52. If I had let that slip up continue, I'd be letting go of all my hard work and watching it slip away, back onto my body as fat. I need to remind myself of these things when I am up again and have a rough patch. I am committed to getting to my goal, one good choice at a time.

Half empty

Yes, I meant half empty, I have now lost 50 pounds.
50 FREAKIN POUNDS! ON MY OWN! I am half way to my first big goal now.
I colored in my rainbow path (will post pics soon) and looked at it in awe. I did that, I made that happen. By my own will power, my own eating plan. I am so happy yet shocked by that. I've done WW, it worked, I lost weight but I left it, it cost so much. I've tried other diets, and they worked, I lost weight but didn't stick to it-obviously, I'm here writing this blog, right? Something this time clicked. Maybe it's because I finally hit bottom and I just will not live the fat life anymore. Maybe it's because my hubby inspired me and it's SO much easier doing this with him. Whatever it is, it's working and I'm sticking with it.
I love being 50 pounds thinner. I am starting to see the hard work paying off. My collar bones are visible again. My face looks thinner. I love getting compliments. I ran into some friends the other night and my friend said to me, wow, you have lost weight. That felt so good. Someone noticed! Someone sees my hard work, too! When you have a lot to lose, it takes a while for people to notice. I won't lie here, a part of me feels almost ashamed that I have lost 50 pounds. Isn't that crazy?! Yeah it is! But that part of me knows that 50 is a lot, and I still clearly have a lot yet to go. It all goes back to, how did I get here--how did I let it go so much??! Not going to go down that road, hindsight is 50/50.
A lot of sweat, hard work and will power went into each and every one of those 50 pounds that are gone and I will be proud of them--along with the next 50! "oD

TGIF and other stuff

FRIDAY is here, yay, love my weekends with my family!
I weighed in today, down 1. 8. I'll take it. For the last couple weigh in's, I have been up and this has frustrated me and thrown a wrench in my goals and plan. I let it sabotage me for a while too...sigh....well, no more. I promised myself I would get on plan which I did and not weigh till Friday which I did and I am back on, woo-hoo!
I think I only worked out once this week, and I am really craving it, today I'm getting a good workout in and tomorrow as well! Now onto the other stuff I mentioned....

A friend on FB tagged a couple pics of me and I could not believe what I saw. Remember that new shirt I talked about buying with my sister?? Well, in these pics I was wearing that shirt. In my mind, I looked much thinner in that shirt than those pictures showed. It was a wake up call for me. My first reaction when I saw those photos was "wow, look at that beautiful fat girl! Nice hair, nice make-up, cute clothes...but FAT. Not just "chubby" "chunky" "could stand to lose a couple pounds" but "FAT" "OBESE" "XXL" --and it was surprising to me. I did not FEEL how I LOOKED in that photo. I felt like a thinner person when I went out that night. I had lost 47 pounds, I had a new shirt on.... It makes me wonder, do fat people not see how they truly appear to the world? Is anyone else like this or am I the only screwed up one? This is a long road to head down and it is full of twists, turns and detours I did not expect nor want to take. But I am on this road for the duration, I have promised myself this and I will stick to it. I am back on and like Dory said....keep on swimming, just keep swimming.....
At the end of every post I am going to list another reason why I want to lose weight...so here's another...so how I look and how I *think* I look are one and the same!

slip-ups

I have had a yuck-o 3 days. To sum it up, pizza, mexican and sliders. Saturday, Sunday & Monday. It all started when I had a couple of crap weigh-in's, after I had worked so hard exercising and eating right all week. I keep thinking, if it gets tough now, how will I ever get there?!! I don't know, but I do know that I can't give up. I found another blogger that started out like I did, doing the same things program wise that I am. She made it to 100 pounds lost and I can do this too. I have a plan for today to "de-tox" my crappy past 3 days and I will do this weight loss thing!!!!!!!!!!

(*%#(&%(* scale

I worked hard this week. Ate on plan, worked out 5 days, M-F and thought I'd have a really good week on the weigh-in. Nope. I was up the other day point something and I was up today .7 or .6 -I got down. I worked SO HARD this week, I was fully hoping for nice results. My thoughts were going something along the lines of this...I'm not quite half-way to my first big goal I have set for myself. I know it's going to get harder, I know I'll hit plateaus etc...but I just was hoping, PRAYING that things would keep going down for sometime before it got hard. Yes, I've come a long way, I am so proud of that. But, I've got a long way to go. I started second guessing myself, trying to explain to my comforting hubby that if it gets so hard already, how am I ever going to keep this battle up?! He reminded me why we are on this healthy journey in the first place, and that I'll get there...I explained that part of why I'm on this journey is also because I am sick and tired of being fat. I just don't want any part of it anymore--shopping at the large size stores, sweating when everyone else isn't, being super size...the list goes on. I am 37 and I want to enjoy being a normal size before I'm too old to look good anymore! Part of me laughs at that, part of me cries saying that out loud. I have lived the majority of my life fat. I've already shaved time off my life because of being fat. I will no longer let this control me, food is NOT that important-my life--IS. It makes me sad to think my Mom never got to see me thin. I was normal as a child, until around 2nd-3rd grade and then I lost 40+ pounds after high-school and wore a size juniors 13. That was at my thinnest and I loved it. My Mom loved me regardless, but I have this sadness that she won't see me thin. It makes me sad. Seeing that number on the scale be up instead of down like I so anticipated was such a downer. I didn't let it ruin my day, yes-I shed some tears but I let it go and had a wonderful day. I stayed on plan today and worked out, then walked with a friend after dinner. I plan on weighing tomorrow again, I need to see what the numbers say. Not sure how I'll react to another plus should it pop up, but I'm sure a post will be coming.

A letter to me

I saw this idea from another blogger who mentioned yet another blogger had done this...confused yet? At any rate, I've had some things/thoughts floating around in this brain of mine lately and this seemed like a perfect way to let them out in some type of organized fashion. So here goes...

Dear me,

Just a letter to say a few things...I LOVE LOVE LOVE your will power. You have now survived and stuck with this healthy eating plan for two seasons, going on three. You started in spring and kept it up through summer now, that's a record I believe. Yes, you've "gone off the wagon" a time or two, but you've made the decision to do so and also made allowances for those decisions, good or bad. You stuck with them, and stuck to it. That is CHANGE, change for the better. May this will power carry on, relentlessly.

I am so proud of the excercise habits you are making. You are continually working out, got through being sick, got through hurting your ankle etc. and yet you did not fall back into old habits, you kept strong and got back to working out. This is one of the most important success' and key to losing weight as consistantly as you have. Like a friend once said--it's not rocket science, burn more calories than you take in." As if it was only indeed that easy, but in a way that makes you get back to basics when you lose sight of it all.

I love the body that is emerging, I like to think of it as a caterpillar shedding it's ultra huge cocoon. I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection tonight while on a bike ride with my family. I did a double take. I am really shrinking, I can see it. Then I think, am I really or is it this fooling mind? He he. I KNOW I am, I have physical evidence. My clothes are too big, clothes that were once too tight are now too big and it's WONDERFUL. I remember catching glimpses of myself in the reflection at work and I would look away quickly, ashamed of myself and what I had become. Now, I see a new body coming alive again and it's electrifying!

I want to remind you of why you started on this journey for the finale--your future. Your future that includes your children, your children's children (if you are so blessed) and so on. I want to see all my children grow and learn, explore life...There is so much we do not control, this is one thing I can to try and insure a future that lasts. I want to look good. LOOK GEWWWWWWWWD. I want to shop at any store, I want to have several great choices to wear when Jay and I are going for a night out, I want to wear "skinny jeans"...so many more but these will suffice for now.

I no longer want the stress of "if I stand this way, I'll look thinner..." or "will it be so hot at work today that I'll be the only one sweating bullets?!" I want to sit with my legs crossed comfortably. I want to feel good in my body. I want to go to the amusement park with my kids and know I can get on any ride and not worry if I will be able to buckle up without a struggle.

You CAN do this, you ARE doing this. YOU WILL DO THIS. You are almost half way there. A couple short months ago you were staring down the barrel of a long, long path. Now, you are almost half way down that path. You can get to the end of that path, know that you can. Yes it will take more sweat, more struggle, more tears and more will power-but you will get there and you will cross that finish line a winner this time!

perception

I see a lot of blogs talking about this and it got me thinking too...
Sometimes when I see myself, I KNOW I am too big. That's the nicest way I can say it. Aw hell--I'm going to say it, it's no secret...I'm FAT, LARGE, OBESE...I do not like that word. Seriously, who made up that term?!! Probably some skinny person who's never had to lose a pound in their life. They should've allowed a fat person to come up with their own term, their own word...OBESE--it sounds so grotesque. Blech. Anyway, back to the point...I see myself in a mirror and I see what I hope to change. But when I'm NOT looking in a mirror, I think I see myself as thinner than I really am. Case in point, I went to a little street festival last night with my sister. They had a really cool indian type clothing vendor and she stopped to look so I did too. I've always loved those stitched, tie-dyed shirts but they've always been too small for me. Last night I saw one I fell in love with that was an XL. Just a regular ladies XL. I can't even remember the last time I bought a regular ladies size instead of women's plus. It'll never fit I thought. Why bother?? I put it back. Why was I even looking at these?? My sister came around the corner and said try it on! Just do it, over your shirt. I was wearing a cute tank with a short sleeve shrug I bought over it. I will not wear tanks without something covering my upper arms, they look too fat. So, I thought what the hell and I tried it on over the tank. Something glorious happened. It fit. Over the tank and all, it fit. I had to see a mirror, it looked pretty good. Even over the tank. I could not believe it. I bought the shirt. I am wearing it to a party Sat. my hubby and I are going to. Without the shrug. I will feel naked but I am doing it. It looks good and I'm going to FEEL good in it.
This got me thinking, will I ever like how I look? Will I ever look and wish this or that was not so fat etc etc... I don't know. I really hope that yes, I can be happy with myself but that, too, is a journey I'm taking along with this weight loss trek. It is a crazy journey, but I will get there!

45

It's how many pounds I've lost. Yes, I'm happy, excited...I want more. It's getting difficult lately-cravings are creeping in like they weren't before. I had this wonderful will power and I'm trying to kick it back into focus. I'm sick with a cough/cold thing that's driving me crazy, I'm never sick. I know I can do this, I know I WILL do this--but it's getting harder now. I want to eat something right now-anything-but I don't want to ruin my good day. I made myself come and post to avoid a bad choice. I think I will allow myself a lite yogurt treat with some graham crackers. That sounds good to me, I can do this. Wish me luck!

McDonald's french fries

used to be a downfall of mine. Well, they still are but I resisted their fried soggy ( I love the soft, squishy ones) goodness today and I am blogging about it. We stopped at McD's as a treat to the kids for lunch today and I always sneak 2 or 3--ok--maybe more like 6 or 8--fries from them. Today I decided I wasn't going to. I thought about it for a second, did I really want that fry or two? Not really I concluded. Could I not even sneak a single fry? Yes, I can! I did it, I did not eat one single fry. Then later, the kidlets didn't finish theirs and I wanted to wash the table cloth that was on the table. Those fries stared me in the face daring me to eat them. I did not. I am not crabby, feeling like I denied myself something nor am I craving something saltly...I *dare I say it* feel like I'm making some progress here! I really feel like this is a change I can stay with. That feels great!
I have lost 42 pounds now and THAT feels great. Of course, my mind always wanders to the fact that I have much more to go, but I'm well on my way and I will get there. Come hell or high water (as my mom used to say) I will get there!

food

It's so odd, this relationship I have with food. ::sigh::

I got on the wii fit today and was up 3. I knew I'd be up, I had champagne Friday at a bon fire with friends, washington apple drinks Saturday and Sunday--plus Saturday had some appy goodness that wasn't quite on my plan but I made that choice to have it. TOday I made the choice to kick my butt into gear again. I ate a veggie burger for lunch with a salad and for dinner it was a smart ones. I had a snack of chocolate chex mix 1 serving, which was 5g of fat in 1/2 cup. It was so good. I made it. I wanted to eat tonight when we got home from 'Manda's softball game. Jay was eating fresco tacos since he hadn't eaten and I wanted some. Boy, did I want some. It's light and they are good...I started to make a list of reasons why it would be OK if I did eat one. But I stuck to my rule and had none. GO ME!
I started thinking about why it was so hard for me to say no to eating. I watched an episode of Intervention and the man had bulimia and was an alcoholic. I was wondering why I didn't turn to that. Eating what I wanted and throwing up. Never have I done that. I guess that's a good thing. On the other hand, I want to be thin SO BADLY that I almost think going down that road would've gotten me to thin faster than this road is. Now I know that it's wrong for many reasons-but that thought crossed my mind. I did not want to eat anymore after seeing his struggle. And the best part-he beat his disease. I am going to get to my goal and beat mine this time, I know I am.

Disgusted

http://justquiteating.blogspot.com/2010/03/hurt-feelings.html

I am sick right now with the blog I just read....we encounter these kind of people each and everyday. It sickens me so many have no manners-compassion...I just showed it to my 12 year old who was disgusted by the rude women. At least it gives me a lil ray of happiness that I'm raising 3 beautiful souls who will have compassion for others.

12 days

I am (well, was) super excited to post that I have now lost 38 pounds. So I decided to look back and see when I posted my last loss-it was 12 days ago and I had lost 35, now today I was at a 38 pound loss. That's only 3 pounds, 3 pounds in 12 days. Hmmmm...do I get upset by that? No. I am not letting myself. Trying anyway. There was a vacation tucked in there, too. But I have really tried hard, kept it going and stuck to it. Didn't eat when I wanted the last couple nights. I was proud of myself for that. Dangit I hate when the damn scale does this to me. Grrrr. I need to focus on the good stuff. Let's see....Clothes are fitting a lot better now. I have gone down 2 sizes in tops or more and 2 in jeans. I can take my jeans/capris etc out of the dryer after washing them in warm water and they fit, they are even a little loose! I FEEL great, too. I saw myself in the reflection at work the other day before school was out and I did a double take, I wasn't so huge looking! I actually looked not too bad I thought, lol. So I am going to make myself focus on those points and not the number on the scale. I also worked out good, hard work outs 2x this week. Tomorrow I'm going to do a home work out with the kids, we dance for 30 mins. I push it hard, then slow it down a bit, then push it hard etc. in that time frame. There's even a new "classic rock work out" channel on our tv, woo-hoo!

saw something...

on a fellow blog post and it triggered something in me. "We just don't use food as it's supposed to be used."

Wow. Powerful words to me right there. Those words summarize in a single sentence why I'm on this journey. Why I'm sitting here re-evaluating where I'm at in life. I do not use food as it should be used. How did I get here?! Oh, I know how I got here, stuffing my face, that's how. But how did I let it get so out of control??? I don't know. But I think this journey will help me find that out in more ways than 1.

Today while at my daughter's softball tourney, as I was entertaining (or trying to) my 2 yr old in the car while it rained-I kept thinking when am I going to eat?? I got a workout in today, which I was proud of since I hadn't in a while and after ate a lovely bowl of kashi crisp cereal and a banana. It was after 2 and i hadn't eaten lunch. The concession stand had hot dogs, burgers, etc.--none of which fit into my food plan. We did buy an apple for AJ which she didn't eat so I ate it. I wasn't even hungry but I was starting to panic about food. As AJ was napping, I kept thinking about that...why do I panic like that?? I'm not trapped on an island with no hope of food in sight, so why?? I think it's a control thing. I need to know what's next on my food agenda and if I don't, I get a little unglued. So weird. I am discovering so much on this journey this time around. I really feel like I will taste what it's like to be normal, skinny, NOT FAT again. And I can't wait!

drum roll please...

I have now lost ***35 pounds***!!!!!!
WOOOOOOOHOOOO!
So happy about that. I have not been getting my work outs in as of late, and felt guilty. I did make good food choices and it has paid off. I even had my daughter bring 2 big boxes of oreos home and yes, I ate 5 I think. I felt so bad, but I didn't do any more damage and got it under control. GO ME! Normally, I would've wanted to eat a bunch and dunk em in milk, love that soggy oreo goodness. I read the nutrition label and said no way is that worth it. I got it under control and stayed away from them ever since. So proud of myself.

Happy happy Friday!

I haven't weighed for a week, so I got on today. And it was a HAPPY HAPPY DAY!!! I lost 5.3 (or some point, lol-but the 5 is right!) I am sooooo ecstatic! I have now lost 32 pounds! Ya-hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I screamed, I shouted...you get the point, I am happy about this. I was a bit worried about it, I have not gotten in much good exercise lately but I have tried hard to stay on my eating plan. It paid off. A 32 pound pay off and I'll take it. I am so freaking happy! And it's Friday! It doesn't get any better than that!

Tuesday

OK, so I don't have any funsy title and I just want to get some thoughts out.
:/
See that lil non-smiley guy right there? He kinda looks like he's saying "meh" or "bleh"....That is how I feel and have felt the past couple days. I have been to this place before. I lose some weight, shed some fat clothes, feel good, do great on eating....then I want to give into old habits. Whoever said they do die hard was right on the money. I am hovering around the same weight loss..maybe I've lost a pound or two, but certainly not one of my rainbows. Ugh. I need to push past through this and keep on going. I need to achieve this goal, I do. A friend and co-worker who lost 80+ pounds posted a quote and it said..."it you want it bad enough, you'll make it happen." I want this bad enough this time. I can FEEL it. I need to get my mojo back and kick this fat in the ass again. I was doing so good! I will not fail this time, I will not let it win. I need to make it happen. While sitting by our fire Friday night, one of my good friends said something that struck a chord in me. I had fixed a tray of s'mores for my kids and their neighbor friends. I'm talkin' a big ole tray of cut up candy bars, multiple kinds, grahams and marshmallows etc. It was pretty. And it was tempting. I ate a few bites of the cut up candy. So, I decided not to crack a beer or drink wine. Eye for an eye in my mind, lol. Well, this friend a couple others were sayin' have a drink, c'mon....etc etc. So she says You are pregnant, that's why you are not drinking. Ummm, no, not preggo I said, lol. She keeps sayin' it, another friend adds lil bits to this, then I say ya know, I just don't want to add the calories into today. So she says this "Since when have you ever cared about calories????!!!" Now, that bugged me. And it has bugged me since she said it. I talked with my other friend about it, who thought it was totally shitty etc.--she says things without thinking etc. I think she knows what she's saying, just says them anyway. It pissed me off. I have been fighting, pushing and making my goals since March and although that is only 2 months, it's a long two months for me. And this journey will be a long one for me. But I'm finding out, it's not the destination, it's the journey. I will get past this bump in my road and come out on the other side a healthier, thinner, better ME. And one who will not make crass, tacky comments to others, either! HA! ;o)

I DID IT!

I kicked some serious elliptical butt tonight, 60 minutes worth baby!!!! I must say it wasn't easy peasy, but I did not except it to be. I wanted to quit, but I did not. GOOOOO ME! I am so freaking proud of myself! I do have to thank one of the Jonas Bros for being on Minute to win it tonight and every time I was shaky, wanting to quit...he won a challenge and it kept me going. lol I didn't have any music, so my only distraction was headphones watching some tv on the machine. It did the trick though. I did it. Me + elliptical + a whole entire HOUR = BLISSFUL SORE HAPPY PROUDNESS! ;o)

accomplishing a goal

is what I am setting out to do. Remember that post on 60 mins of elliptical? Well, I'm in route to the gym to achieve that goal. Can I do this?!! I think so, I am going to try my hardest--hopefully I will not keel over on the damn machine, lmao! To be continued...

work out

Last night I wanted to get a work out in, but time was tight. Whoever said you have to CARVE out time is right. My oldest daughter had a double header game, in the rain and we stayed and watched. Her team did great, as did she and we sat from the comforts of our van, lol. I got home late, but a friend said she wanted to go so off I went to meet her. We did 30 mins on the elliptical, worked up a nice sweat and good convo. So easy to work out with a friend.
I've been thinking of a goal I want to accomplish--60 mins on the elliptical. Now after 30 I am pretty done. Legs a lil weak, sweaty....but I want to put in 60 mins and see how I do. Well, I guess now that I've stuck that out in the open, I guess it's a goal. A goal I need to accomplish. Stay tuned...

Hello Monday, glad you stopped by again

It's Monday after a long, party filled weekend. Friday night we had my mil's 60th birthday party here with lots of people. I made lots of food, with the help of my sister and sis-in-law. It was great, even though the weather did not cooperate. I did not eat much at all during the day, partly due to business and partly on purpose cuz I knew I was going to indulge a bit in the evening. After all, my sil was bringing a chocolate fountain! lol
Saturday we scored a babysitter ( thanks to my sweet niece and her great bf) and we indulged a little more at a new mexican restaurant. Again, I skipped eating all day to enjoy the evening.
Sunday, my most amazing hubby made a fabulous brunch for me, my mil and mil's mom. It was to DIE FOR! I ate ALL DAY. Yes, ALL DAY. One of my mom's day presents was a chocolate fountain and it was put into good use Sunday. I ate the brunch and went back for chocolate fountain dipped goodness several times as the day went on. I did not punish myself for it. I said I was going to let myself eat what I wanted and I did. I got a great foot rub from my daughter last night as well and it was niiiiiice.
So, today, Monday is here again and I actually like my old friend. OK, so part of it is that I don't work until Wed so Monday is nice, but still. Monday kicks me into gear, gets me back on my plan, gives me a purpose to stay in control. I weighed in and was up a pound. I can handle that, I knew it was going to be slightly up and that's OK. I weighed last week and was down again, by 2 or so so being up 1 doesn't freak me out. Today I've done good. I went for a long walk with AJ, and ate steamed broccoli for lunch with a little (2 tbs or so) of cheese sprinkled on plus a small fruit salad. I didn't eat breakfast, I was busy cleaning and tidying unless you count the two grapes I ate from AJ's. ;O) All in all, I like Mondays-they give me the reason to get back on and do this!

tgif

tomorrow!
I am pumped. I have now lost 25 pounds. Unchartered waters here, but loving them. I am really, truly proud of myself. I've stuck with this healthy eating thing and not given up. When I've wanted something that isn't exactly 'heathly'- for example today at work there was french toast sticks for lunch. Our entire building was all cinnamon-y smelling sweetness....mmmmmm. I ate a fiber fit bar for breakfast and did Biggest Loser workout this a.m. to make room to enjoy my lunch. Then I did not snack this afternoon before dinner and walked after dinner as well. I knew I wanted those sticks for lunch, but I made myself accountable for having them too. I like that. I feel so much better, so much more in control...I love it. Anyway, when I wanted something, I ate it but made some adjustments to allow it into my program. I am not calling it a "diet"...it's not. I am simply eating healthy and doing so to lose weight. can't wait to get to the next 25 down!

Rainbows

Have always been a favorite of mine. Ever since I was a child, I'd see one with my parents in our many trips back and forth from Duluth or see them outside and we'd always say something like..."God must be smiling" or "God sent us a smile"...Even now when I see them, I like to think it's a little smile sent from my Mom. Which is why I'm using rainbows to track my weight loss. Yes, rainbows. Even though wii fit keeps track of my losses and/or gains, I like to have something I can look at easily. I made my own tracker, and it's a rainbow path. Every individual square represents 1 pound I lose. To fill a rainbow, I need to lose 6 pounds. For every 6 pounds I lose, I made a mark on the path with what I call a bridge. It's really helping me push onward, stay on track and stay focused.
Today is a special day, I've completed 4 rainbows! 24 pounds lost! I've never gone this far on my own, so I'm in unchartered waters now. But for the first time in my life, I'm happy about that! :)

Revelation

I came across another person's blog and as I read these words, something clicked inside me. "...I continued to abuse myself with food..." Wow. Powerful words right there. As I read those words, it hit me. I DO that. I am the living definition of those words! I have put horrible-for-me food into my body like it's a land-fill dump so no wonder those words triggered something in me. I used to say I'm a stress eater. Yes, I am...but I am beginning to realize there's a little more to it than that. I eat when I feel guilty about myself or my behavior.
Yesterday, I was dealing with my 11 yr old and one of her "issues" (we'll just call it that for now) and although I remained calm through it and was able to remove myself and step away---I began to realize I was hungry and needed food. As I look back now, I was fine waiting until dinner. But when the stress of dealing with my daughter hit, I immediately turned to food. Not because of the stress, but because I was feeling guilty that she was having one of her behavior issues again and if I was the mom I wanted to be, she wouldn't be acting like that in the first place. I felt guilty and subconsciously, started abusing myself with food. Wow. I can't believe I never realized that before. I have treated my body like a human garbage dump for so long and never realized that!? Never thought of it in that way. It's amazing to me. Sounds crazy, but it makes perfect sense to me. I know food is my addiction, but only until now am I starting to realize the full capacity of it all. I am SO happy I found these weight loss blogs and started blogging myself. I really feel empowered to achieve this goal I have. Go me!

Friday

I got a call at work today that my 2 yr old wasn't feeling well, so I came home. Poor girl was sleeping, felt warm....I'm so bummed, we've got many plans this weekend and I hope she's feeling up to them. We shall see, she's sleeping now.

On another note-last night I went to dinner with my sister to Melting Pot. Oh my gosh, that place is AMAZING! LOVE IT! I've always wanted to go there, so I took her for her birthday. SO much fun! We really enjoyed the evening, and it was great to do that with my sister! When my mom passed away in 2004, there were things that happened and my sister and I didn't talk for years. Yes, years. I am so grateful she is back in my life, my family's lives...it was a great night!

I weighed in yesterday a.m. and lost another 3.3! YAY! I am so happy! My jeans feel great, even right out of the dryer! I am on my way to my goal each and every day and it feels sooo sooo good. Gonna be a healthier me!

birthday cake

is EVIL! Evil I tell you!
I am happy to say I have avoided it twice now. Throw it out, make it easy? It's my daughter's birthday cake and my kids shouldn't be punished because their Mom can't leave it alone. So I will avoid it and stick to the plan. I CAN do this, I can. I WILL. I figured if I blogged about it, it would help. It does help.

I haven't weighed since a week ago. I hurt my ankle something horrid last weekend and so I have not been able to workout, I did not make the greatest food choices over Easter. I didn't do TOO bad, but there was room for improvement. I am back at it. Not going to give up. My hubby and i made a pact to get healthier. We do not want to put our children through our health issues if we can help it. And we can help it. Being overweight is so hard on your body and will take it's toll sooner or later. I've got to make this change and make it stick for me, my kids, my family...We're trying boca burgers tonight for dinner, first time ever not eating the traditional red meat burger. I'll post later on how they are. I'm also going to get us out for a bike ride tonight, I think it will be easier with my sore ankle.
Happy Saturday!

new title

So I made a new name for my blog. I wanted something a little more catchy, creative, even after saying this wasn't about being catchy or creative. He he, I'm a female-I can change my mind.

So I am up cuz I can't sleep and thought I'd come and blog. I do have some new things to report. I have lost 12 pounds so far. I'm happy with that. 2 rainbows! (I'll explain that sometime in the near future.)

I have been working out a ton lately and loving it. Today I took my girlies to Como, thinking that it wouldn't be very busy, not all schools are on spring break...umm, WRONG. It's in the 70's in MN in March, of course Como is going to be packed. But, we got a parking spot and had a blast. It's so fun to see my almost 2 yr old enjoying the animals. Laughing at the monkeys, smelling the flowers. Then tonight I worked out at the gym with a good friend doing the weight loss session on the elliptical. Wow, that kicks my butt but I love the satisfaction when I finish.

I've been thinking about why I'm fat and on this journey. I heard something on tv the other night about "letting myself go". I started thinking, when did I do that?! I certainly do not remember making that decision. Although normally I would be beating myself up at this point for having this problem in front of me, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to ALLOW myself to do that, let's say that. It didn't work for me in the past and it's not going to help me in the present. I'm here because I chose to be here, period. And I want to bring myself to a better situation, period. Food is an addiction for me, it is. Much like drugs, alcohol etc. become addictions, food is mine. I found myself stressed last week and wanting to EAT. Anything, what can I eat?? I'm hungry I thought. I want to eat. I stopped and really asked myself why?? Because I'm stressed and instead of dealing with the stress, I wanted to take my mind and mouth away from it and eat. The weird thing is when things are out of control for me like that in life, why would I want to let food get out of control for me??? I still don't know that answer just yet. I stayed in control though, and did not "stress eat". It made me realize I can do this, I can stick to it and succeed. I WILL DO THIS. Another friend who has lost a lot of weight said once in her writing, if you want it bad enough, you will do it. I've always wanted it bad enough, but this time I am DOING IT.

sad

Another day, another work out.

I love Saturdays, my hubby is home, we do things as a family...plus, it's sunny today. Colder, yes, but I'll take sun and cold over snow and grey skies any day! I'm taking Ali on a bike ride with me, she's always good for an exploration and we're planning a trip to the club later on. I logged in today to get some recipes off of a blog I'm following, and saw that another weight loss blogger has passed away. She was in her early 30's, had a hubby and two boys...that just sent shock waves into me. I cannot believe it. Way too young to be gone. I can't imagine her family right now, without their mom and wife. Sometimes life seems so unfair.

Next time I want a fast food burger...I'll read this

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/30464/the-worst-drive-thru-foods-in-america-and-what-to-eat-instead/

tgif

I don't have catchy titles for my posts. I am a creative person, but I don't feel like trying to make this all cute with pics, creative with catchy phrases etc. I just want to blog and that's it. Just words on a screen. My thoughts down in cyber world for all to read. That's it.

Today is Friday, I'm happy with my progress so far. I'm always happy when I'm on board with something and it's working. I weighed in this a.m. and I'm down .4 or something like that. The other day I was down 3 something. Wii fit plus is keeping track for me, once I get what I want as a tracker, then I will post it. Anyway, like I said it's Friday, March 19th to be exact. I slipped up a bit the other night after a stressful night with the family, and ate DQ ice cream cake (1 piece) and some strawberried pb m&m's. I was so mad at myself. So, the next day I slim fasted it only I forgot my slim fast shake in the morning. I was determined to stay on my 'fix my flub' plan, so I did not eat until I got home from work. 2pm and I was starving. Not a healthy way to be, but it was my fix it plan and I was goin to make it work! I drank my shake which is pretty good after vigorous shaking, even though my dad used to say if you like those, you could eat shit and bark at the moon too. Good parenting skills at their finest right there! So I did stick to it and we went to Chuck E Cheese for report card reward night. We have a tradition of taking the girls out to dinner when they have good report cards. Chuck's has a fairly decent salad bar, so that was my plan. No pizza, two trips to the bar. I did it, and I was FULL. After that, we headed to the club for a workout which went great. Like I said, happy with my efforts yesterday.

Today I'm working out with Nancy who is on her own quest to lose weight. She's already lost 50+ pounds in the last couple years, after her cholesterol was too high. She's doing WW at work again since it's free, good job Nancy if you ever read this, lol. Our dinner plans went awry when our meat was not in the fridge anywhere, so I am making healthy tuna melts for Jay and I and grilled cheese for the kidlets. I was starving a while ago and raided the pantry. I found a can of green beans and stewed tomatoes, combined them and added fresh ground pepper. Yum. I am full from that! So, all in all on track and making this healthy kick work for me.

March 16, 2010

Well, here I am. Blogging. Gotta love modern technology. I am driven to journal my thoughts with this new frontier I am embarking upon. Writing that makes me feel like I am dishonest. Who cares?! I can lie in my own flippin' blog, right?! ::sigh:: No, still feel dishonest. Just a bit. See, I say "new frontier" and yet I've been to this place before. Sort of. I have battled the weight beast most of my life. I am sick and tired of it, too. I have told myself I am NOT turning 40 (in 3 years) fat. I said that word. That word that mortifies me. I hear it and I instantly get embarrassed. My kids utter it and I panic inside my head. We'll be watching t.v. and if that word is spoken, I secretly hold my breath and hope no one looks at me. I am no longer willing to be trapped inside, fat holding me prisoner. So, although this feels like a new frontier, I have tried and started many new weight loss frontiers-I've always had success, just not completed success. This time it will be different. Because I am making sure it is. So, to start off, I am listing the top reasons why I am making weight loss happen this time.

1. I want to be healthy and feel good.
2. I want to be a good role model for my kids.
3. I want to shop for clothes and feel good about it!
4. I no longer want to feel trapped by my weight.
5. I no longer want to go over in my head which way to stand, which way to walk, which way to move so that I don't look as fat.
6. I want to buy sexy lingerie, and feel good about wearing it!
7. I want to live to see my children grow, grandchildren grow etc. (If I'm that lucky!)
8. I want to be FREE. Free from this weight prisoner.
9. I want to eat to live, not live to eat!
10. I want to simply be able to say "I have beaten this beast!"